I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
