Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
