Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just invented taco cereal.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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