Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
organizing the empties. That sober.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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