My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
then he tried to convert me to islam
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
