Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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