i permit you to call me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
