He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
