fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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