puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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