it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
