The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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