Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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