I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
