I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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