she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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