What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
