I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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