Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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