I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
