i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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