you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
