Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
