Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
smell my finger.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize