You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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