her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
