Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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