I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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