She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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