I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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