It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
