look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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