Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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