96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
