Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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