i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
