shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize