I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
