If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
