Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
