i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
