Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
how does that bad decision feel?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
