Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
