Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
