I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
