Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
