It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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