i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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