His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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