wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize