My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize