if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
