im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
