I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
