my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
