Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
