You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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