so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
