someone get that fucking seahorse.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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